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Ken Doka speaks
of "disenfranchised grief" that is when loss
cannot be openly acknowledged socially sanctioned or publicly
I shared. one of the reasons maybe that the "griever
is not
recognized."
Quite often that is exactly what happens to men in their
families. The stereotypical man is to "be strong and
frequently
required to not show emotion at the time of death of their
loved
ones.
Problems this can create may include a bad mood, lack of
social support, exclusion from care. The grief may then
be
intensified, and without support the male griever is ALONE.
Carol Staudacher in her 1991 book MEN AND GRIEF, demonstrates
how typical males may respond to death of their loved one.
She
bases her theory on Havinghurst's Tasks of Mourning which
was
elaborated by Dr. William Worden in his book GRIEF COUNSELING
GRIEF
THERAPY. Carol reports from her research that most grievers,
male
and female, go throuqh Phase One:
PHASE ONE. Retreatinq: temporary manage pain and anxiety
shock, numbness, disbelief, confusion, disorientation denial.
Goal: Grappling with and testing reality
Men appear to go through Phase One and Three. Differences
for men
and women seem to arise in Phase Two:
PHASE TWO. Working through: by confronting and enduring.
Having a range of responses by thinking, talking, crying,
writing about disorganization in their lives.
Goal: Detachment from loved one NOT from emotions; must
experience the pain
Many men have been raised to NOT talk, cry, or reach out
(for
Support). Therefore, their grief tends to stay inside and
can
create physical ailments, as studies have shown. Heart attacks,
ulcers, cancer are a few of the physical ailments that can
be
created when the grief stays within. Men who do express,
release
or completely work through their grief are the EXCEPTION
rather
than the rule.
The third phase is something most men are exceptional at
doing. They can be masters at reorganizing and restructuring
because it involves a lot of THINKING. For most men, objective
THINKING is their gift.
PHASE THREE. Resolving: reorganizing and restructuring
life.
Goals: Adjust to Environment-take on new identity
Reinvest Time and Energy-develop new goals
Carol's research shows that men have established four typical
male coping styles that are LEGITIMATE and ACCEPTABLE alternatives
to WORKING THROUGH grief (Phase 2). These patterns have
enabled
them to take advantage of their natural gifts and talents.
-
Remain Silent--They will keep the pain to themselves
They appear to not need to communicate about their qrief.
The non
- communication helps them protect themselves against
being vulnerable-which to them is "expressing" qrief
through tears,
feelings, sharing.
-
Engaging in "Secret Grief"—This is
a method of
"solitary mourning" activities, i.e. taking the new
puppy for a
walk—puppy represents NEW LIFE and crying and feeling
as they
walk, hug and play with the NEW LIFE. They do this solitary
mourning to "spare others from seeing, feeling, experiencing
their
grief. For most men to do otherwise seems against "cultural
expectations".
- Taking Physical & Legal Action - Many men immediately
attempt to bring control to an "out of control' situation
by taking
physical and legal action for extended periods of time. Others
support and reward them for being "assertive and courageous" in
their time of grief.
-
Becoming Immersed in Activity - Most men become
obsessive about activity. They diligently find things
to, occupy
their time...all of it. They fill "every waking minute" with
work,
errands, house activities. This immersion consumes time,
energy
and thought so there is no time for grief, no time for
thinking of
the loss ahd no time for feeling the grief pain.
Recently, I attended a conference on death education and
counseling in Portland. Ken Doka and Terry Martin presented
a
session on men and grief. They found in their studies that
men
needed closed groups with separate subjects planned for each
session. The material needed to be presented in a problem-solving
mode. A method most men feel accustomed to. Supporters of
men
need to allow for the expression of emotion in ways that
are
compatible to the male roles {such as the patterns that Staudacher
described}. Ask questions "how did you react" rather
than "how do
you feel". Most men need to return to work as soon as
possible.
Research showed that most men felt better if they were working
(again this corresponds with Staudacher's work).
The important issue is that each gender uses their own
STRENGTHS to
deal with grief and IN TIME they, both genders, out of their
grief. One
way of grieving is NOT better than another. Rather there
are differences
in how they grieve. These differences need to be CELEBRATED,
not
corrected. Carl Jung says we balance our lives as we age...men
become more
in touch with their feminine qualities and women become more
aggressive
and in touch with their male qualities. Each gender's way
of coping has
negative AND positive aspects.
In conclusion, the tasks of grief [testing the reality,
experiencing the pain, adjusting to the environment and
reinvesting
time and energy back into life], are experienced individually.
Respect must be experienced so we do not "disenfranchise" anyone's
grief or grieving process due to our stereotypical expectations.
Men and women must come to a point where they can learn
from each
other's methods of grieving, rather than judge these methods.
We
need to understand their are personality style differences,
as well
as male/female differences. All differences can be CELEBRATED,
it
is your choice.
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